I know it seems like I complain a lot about the way things are done here and I also know that from time to time before I left the Land of Milk and Honey, I was also known to express my displeasure at events upon occasion. However, I present to you our landlord’s attempt at replacing the fan in our upstairs bathroom:

Thanks landlord. It’s now only slightly worse than it was before. Can you spot the sticky tape holding it in place; or not holding it in place as the case may be?

Driving here is an amazing spectacle. What you are doing on the road is the least important thing in the world when compared with what the other driver’s actions so frequently are.

Highlights I have seen on major roads:
1. Stopping in the middle of your lane to talk to someone outside. The rest of the traffic can get stuffed.
2. Overtaking on a corner.
3. Not letting people merge ever, unless they force their way in.
4. Driving the wrong way around a roundabout.
5. Ignoring red lights: This is way too frequent, so you can’t just go when your light is green, you have to check that the other traffic is actually stopped.

Highlights I have seen on Freeways:
1. Swerving across the entire freeway to get to the exit.
2. Overtaking in the breakdown lane
3. Reversing! I am not joking. The other day we were in the middle lane (luckily) and the guy in the lane beside us (doing about 120 km/h) and slightly ahead swerved violently across into our lane because someone was reversing toward him in his lane.

Here is a transcript of conversations between an employee of the Traffic Control Department of the Public Security Organ and some fairly standard driver’s license applicants:

Traffic: So what experience do you have with cars?
Applicant: I have driven a tractor.
Traffic: Perfect. Here’s your license.

Traffic: So what experience do you have with cars?
Applicant: Last year a car ran over some of my chickens.
Traffic: Perfect. Here’s your license.

Traffic: So what experience do you have with cars?
Applicant: I have seen a picture of a car.
Traffic: Perfect. Here’s your license.

Traffic: So what experience do you have with cars?
Applicant: What is a car?
Traffic: Perfect. Here’s your license.

Yesterday we went for a drive following Russell who lives by us and works at school. We drove north to the huntong he rents up in the mountains. Along the way we saw this

which is a completely unrestored section of The Wall. Later we saw a section that has been restored.

This last section is about an hours drive away from our house. Yesterday was the first time we felt like we got out and saw the real China. We went through lots of little towns and villages in the countryside and the mountains where we were the only Lao wei around; it was totally non touristy.

All this week (and the end of last week) people have been getting ready for Chinese new year, which is tonight apparently. There seems to be a very precise day by day structure to the preparations and it goes like this:

Friday 5th of February: Just after sundown a few fire works are let off around the place to make sure they will work on the appointed night.
Saturday 6th of February: Again, more fireworks are tested to be on the safe side.
Sunday 7th of February: People from all over town come out past the 5th ring road (where we are) to make sure that their fireworks are loud and bright enough.
Monday 8th of February: Fireworks are noisliy tested from sundown, sporadically until around 10pm.
Tuesday 9th of February: Fireworks are noisliy tested until 10pm to be double sure, but some entrepreneurs
started before the sun went down to make sure that while checking to make sure they were loud enough, they weren’t distracted by the pretty colours.
Wednesday 10th of February: The early testing has caught on in earnest. From about lunch time on, the sporadic exploding of fireworks punctuates conversation better than any knowing glance ever could.
Thursday 11th of February: Early testing, while effective, doesn’t determine how many school children will rush to the windows to see what’s going on outside, unless of course you spend half an hour setting off explosives loudly in front of a school. Night time testing continues unabated, but now goes on strong until 11pm with even more people contributing so now there is rarely a moment with no explosions. The reasoning behind this phase of testing is to see how well the neighbouring windows and roof tiles stand up to the vibrations produced by the near armageddon level of noise.
Friday 12th of February: the final night time test begins well before sundown; approximately 8 hours before. While sporadic in places the volume reaches a peak of solid noise around 10 pm which lasts until just after midnight. This last is to make sure that those who choose not to join in on the real event will be too tired from lack of sleep so that they won’t haul themselves out with weapons the next night.
Saturday 13th of February: Day time testing is sporadic as most people are sleeping so that they don’t miss an ear splitting moment after midnight tonight.

I have a jeep and a supersoaker. It will be minus 14 degrees tonight. I wonder how I could use those three things to put a dampner* on the noise.

*Pun intended.

Since we’ve now got a car, it’s possible to go a bit further afield for our entertainment. So on Friday night, we drove to a German restaurant near Steve’s school (not very far, but too far to walk, and it’s way too cold to ride our bikes at 8pm). Schindler’s has another branch downtown (called Schindler’s Tankstelle) and the Haltestelle is a more recent addition to the Beijing eating scene – luckily for us!
Many ‘Western’ style ventures here in Beijing look like the real thing, but then often fail some how or have a certain Chinese-ness to them, which shows they’ve kind of missed the point. Obviously, ‘Chinese-ness’ is a good thing in a Chinese restaurant, but we were hoping for some authentic German-ness tonight.
We were presently surprised by the decor (we almost thought we were back in Germany) and the range of food on the menu. Unfortunately, the waitstaff did not speak German, but other than that it felt quite authentic.

We had some of our favourites to eat: deep-fried Camembert for entree, a roast pork knuckle for Steve and beef olives for me. They all stacked up very favourably and tasted just like ‘the real thing’. Steve couldn’t finish the pork knuckle as it was so large, and the sides of sauerkraut, potato puree and rot-kohl were also generous.

The price came out at €27 for 2 mains, one entree, a large bier and an apple juice. So not cheap as chips, but certainly cheaper than at a similar joint in Düsseldorf. And, except for not being able to order in German, it really did feel like quite the authentic experience!

If you had told me 10 years ago that one day I would own a big ol’ SUV I would have laughed right in your face. Gone are the days of the Wanker Sticker Idea* Adam and I had back in 2003. I present to you my new old car:

a 1999 Jeep. When i cut my dreadlocks off 5 years ago someone accused me of having changed. I still think that changing my hair was only a growing up process. This car however means that something has changed. I was quite proud of not owning a car for four years in Germany and now I own a big gas guzzler; the kind I used to really hate.

* Adam thought it would be cool to get a bunch of stickers printed out that read “Wanker” and then go around and stick them on the back of SUVs parked in our area. It sounded like fun, but quickly the idea mutated into something that we probably would have been arrested for, but that’s not for the telling.

M says a lot of awesome stuff these days. She is starting to speak Chinese and yesterday when i got home from work I was greeted with, “Ni hao daddy.”
Often when she has run out of something she says, “Mei you,” which means I’ve got none. The best was today though and was in English. She was on my lap and we were watching Astro Boy which she says is scary. She was saying something over and over and I couldn’t understand her because she had her Shu Shu in (it was just before bed) so I asked her to take it out.
“Daddy keeps me safe’” she said.

Here is the promised picture of Em from Saturday’s trip to the water park:

As you will note, toddlers are not known for their fashion sense or ability to chose just one item to wear at any given time! (She didn’t actually wear her trousers or tshirt in the water, but she insisted on wearing the swimvest in the car on the way to the pool.)

We went to Merry Super Happy Water Park on Saturday with about 60 other westerners from ISB and WAB. We all drove in a big long convoy of about 14 four wheel drives and must have been quite a sight for the guards at the gate to the car park.

The water park is huge with numerous pools, one of which is a very large wave pool complete with huge, floating human/hamster balls. There is a great water castle for the kids to play on, but it is only great until you get up close and see how rusty it is. M didn’t really get into the spirit of things and stayed close to her mother and me; maybe she was thinking she didn’t want to get a tetanus shot. Despite being a bit substandard, we had a fun time and if the kids were a bit older it might be worth going again.

Leaving was a Chinese experience all of its own as I had to line up three times to give things back, update my account and pay. Sheesh, what price full employment.

ISB = International School Beijing
WAB = Western Academy Beijing

My old friend Glen died of a massive heart attack last night. Bradley and Samantha (his young kids) and Lee (his wife) will surely feel something that no one else can even go near right now. I always say that I never know what to say when something tragic happens and again I really don’t know what to say. Anything just seems kind of lame.

Glen was about the same age as me. Is it selfish of me to relate it back to my own situation or is that just a natural reaction? I’m gonna go home and hug my kids.